Fat is Not a Feeling: Open Letter to Myself

Dear Shannon,

The scale does not know you, not like I do. And if it did it would say, “STOP STEPPING ON ME”. And no, not because you are too heavy for the scale, so don’t go there…

Fat is not a feeling and should not dictate whether you want to live. That is utterly ridiculous. No one cares about how you look, except you. Really and truly, your loved ones want to see you happy, not skinny. If it was an actual choice they could make on your behalf, they would all vote for happy. Trust me. 

When your husband holds you tight and tells you how beautiful he thinks you are—believe him. Trust his words over your distorted thoughts. 

Yes, you are not at the weight you want to be…But, have you ever been?

You have tried starvation once before, how did that go? I seem to remember you were down to 100lbs and still believed you were fat and despicable. You tortured yourself every day no matter what the scale said.

Don’t you remember that time of your life? I know you remember your families’ tears wishing for you to get better. Knowing that you hurt them hurt you more than anything, and it haunts you still today. In fact, you always tell yourself you wish you could take back those years in a heartbeat. So I know you never want that again. 

You have to stop spending your hours making grandiose plans to lose 70lbs—you will just fail. And aside from despising how you look, you despise failing. So stop setting yourself up! Life’s a bitch as it is. 

Bottom line: You are fooling yourself to think that losing weight will make you happy. It never did ad it never will. I told you before—fat is not a feeling which means: SKINNY IS NOT ONE EITHER.

Your mind believes what you tell it, Shannon—so tell it the truth.